My Social Anxietyfrom Rachel Cree When Rita and Kirstyn asked me to help out with Dear Diary with a guest blog, I was really flattered, and thought for a while about the different things I could blog about to help promote the event and open up the conversation of mental health. I wanted to write about something that I struggle with, something that both Rita and Kirstyn have been on the receiving end of in the past. A lot of people have told me how sociable I am, I’ve been told countless times how easy I find it to talk to new people, to network and even during a recent work review how I flourish at a launch where I have to work the room. That being said, I still really struggle with the overwhelming desire when I feel down, to avoid those closest to me, cut out friends, spend time alone, and ignore the very people who would likely help through the black cloud. I seem to go through stages every few months, where I can’t deal with people. It seems to stem from when I take on too much, can’t handle the expectations of what my friends need from me, and just cancel on longstanding plans with little or sometimes no notice to watch Netflix alone. It just feels like a rolling effect as my (understandably annoyed friends) confront me, and my reaction is always burying my head in the sand. I just can’t function, so I avoid people, making situations so much worse, and straining my friendships and relationships whilst feeling constantly guilty and just hating myself. As one friend told me, I’m essentially my own worst enemy. It’s a strange occurrence for people that don’t know me too well, and can really hurt these new friendships. When people see my apparent ability to speak to people easily, make sure everyone feels welcomed a parties (hello events manager); it seems like I’m deliberately doing it to them, and let’s be honest it’s easy to see why people would think that I’m an ignorant bitch that doesn’t care about messing people about. I have to say now though, to me it doesn’t feel like that. I just can’t deal. When I’m feeling like this, my social media notifications feel like a constant reminder of what a shit friend I am, how much I’m letting people down, and why I’m failing at adulthood. They remain unread for days, with my mind making up situations of people screaming at me, hating me, and calling me all sorts...which they never are. I just do nothing but feel guilty about it, and hate myself for being like that. I don’t really know why I’m like this, if there’s something wrong with me, or if I just struggle to deal with what are normal situations, or if a lot of people get like that, which I’m sure they do. All I know is that is hurts my relationships, hurts my friends and makes me feel really guilty all the time. One of the friends I have who I’ve known for almost my whole life once told me, you really do care about people, and I can see it hurts you, but when you act like that, people just think you don’t care about them, and it hurts us. I read something recently about Mad Men and Don Draper’s persona – how he loves new people who don’t really know him, as the closer he gets to people, the more likely they are to know him, and have a different perspective of him once they can see his troubles and ultimately his depression. Now I’m not saying I’m even slightly as interesting, suave or troubled as Don Draper, but maybe there’s something in that. So for my friends who I avoid, let down and ultimately disappoint; all I can say is that I know I do this, I’m sorry and I’m trying to fix it. I do care, I just need to braver and tell people how I’m feeling every once in awhile, so I can be my best damn self. Rachel Cree is...an awesome friend of both Kirstyn and Rita. She is the Events and Promotions Manager at The List not to mention a sneaky writer of fiction and the like.
Follow Rachel: @CreeRachel
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
|